Do you love yourself? Do you want to improve yourself? And can these two things exist together?
The other day I walked into the gym locker room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman looking at me as she gathered her belongings. Then she said to me, “Your legs are absolutely perfect. Amazing.” All I could do was laugh. I see my legs (and body, for that matter) as far from perfect. I should have just said thank you. But instead, I minimized her compliment by disagreeing with her, pointing out how she can’t know since they’re covered with pants. She just repeated her comment in an annoyed tone of voice and left.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love my body. Today is my 45th birthday, and I’m more grateful to be alive than I am head-shakingly frustrated with my thinning hair, wrinkling skin, etc. This body’s gotten me through some serious health challenges. I would never trade my child for a flat abdomen with no signs of a pregnancy. And I believe we can strive for improvements while also accepting our respective present situations. Then why did I refute that woman’s compliment? I think what made me pause was her use of the “P word”. Why did she, herself a tall, thin, and beautiful woman in her 50’s, feel compelled to say this to me?
Perfection is a whole ‘nother story. “Perfect” is a word we should probably stop using for many things. None of us can have a truly perfect body, be the perfect parent, the perfect spouse, the perfect employee or business person. There is no such thing as a perfect home, a perfect job, or a perfect anything. Someone’s idea of perfect (in the case of my example, legs) is completely different than another person’s vision. Maybe you value strength and thus enjoy the look of muscular legs, while another person desires very thin legs. You can soften the P word by saying “this is perfect for me“, but I even have trouble with that. We’re never done learning or improving. Why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves to other people and trying to measure up to some sort of perfection endpoint? Endpoints are for fixed mindsets.
I want to improve the shape of my legs and butt. I want to be a better mom, a better wife, a better doctor. I want to learn more about finance. I want to spend less time looking at my phone. I want to be better at putting sunscreen on my face. But at the same time, I have no interest in being perfect. This Valentine’s Day, I hope we can all practice some self-love while still trying to improve on the things we value. And let’s stop chasing perfection.
A Balanced Interview #3: The Frugal Physician
Happy birthday!
It is true that we often hold ourselves to a higher standard than others. And when someone does compliment us we feel awkward and feel the need to deflect it.
It is strange behavior but very ingrained.
Yes, so true. I’m working on receiving compliments without anything except a thank you. And thx for the bday wishes!
It is hard to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion.
It is hard for all of us.
I do see a difference between how men and women give and receive compliments. I don’t think any man would give me such a compliment at the gym (although I do have great legs if I do say so!). I would run from the freak if he did.
If I tell a guy he did an awesome job presenting his research he will say, “Thanks” and smile. If I say that to a woman the more typical response is “Well I kind of messed up the part about…. or yes I have an amazing team behind me who did all this….”
I was cracking up about that cartoon in your post. The thing is the guy likely actually sees himself looking that good already. We guys are better at distorting reality in our favor instead of the opposite. I think I look pretty good for a 50+ yo man, but there may be some distortion going on. My wife looks so gorgeous that it drives me crazy but she isn’t happy with most aspects of her body.
We could all keep challenging ourselves to eat better and get into better shape. But it is healthy to accept where we are now and love who we are unconditionally.
Thanks for a thoughtful post.
p.s. You do not look old enough to be 45!
Aw, you are too kind, Wealthy Doc! But to your point, I do think it’s more common for women to downplay positive things or eschew compliments in general. Thanks for your comment.