Hindsight is 2020: A One to Ten Year Review

How many more upheavals, disasters, etc. can happen before 2020 ends? There’s still time…

It goes without saying that 2020 has been a crazy, unprecedented year. It feels like it’s been inordinately long yet rife with big changes. And many of us are now realizing our personal goals for the year were thrown by the wayside. The necessary abandonment of some 2020 plans (international travel, learning to sail) resulted in a huge change of direction for our family.

In the midst of a pandemic, I’m grateful to just be here and be healthy. And instead of thinking about all the things I didn’t do this year, I’d like to reflect on the last 10.

Ten Year Time Capsule

I was particularly inspired by the idea of a 10 year time capsule when I heard this episode of Jillian Johnsrud‘s podcast. Because 2010 was a particularly hard year for me… and so much has changed since.

It was the middle of my postgraduate medical training, and I was burning out. As a second career MD, I wondered if I’d really made the right choice; I dreamt of what it would’ve been like if I’d stayed on that path towards engineering management. I mused about the virtues of holding a job and not a career: barista? teacher? mountain guide? all followed by a Yes, please.

In the midst of my burnout, I was legitimately sick. Only I didn’t really know it yet. My work performance was suffering. My relationship was suffering. All the while, I kept going with my head down. I tried to do everything and be everything. I hated how my body showed changes related to stress and illness. I knew something was wrong, but I complacently continued on my path. And I wanted to be a mother… but my body was rejecting that idea.

Then came the diagnosis. The surgery. The recovery. The rebirth and the gratitude. I took things one at a time from then on:

1. regain my health
2. graduate from residency
3. work as an anesthesiologist
4. earn my board certification.

Things started getting better! I climbed again at a high level, like before. With the time restrictions of residency and the functional restrictions of serious illness finally out of the picture, we traveled the world and enjoyed each other again.

I grew physically and mentally. The power and confidence I gained from weight lifting was intoxicating, and so was all the knowledge I was gleaning about myself. I read, I journaled, I meditated, and I started writing regularly on this blog to share my journey! With things going so well, we decided it was time to expand our family.

I knowingly walked into the dark tunnel of infertility treatments, and it was a long one. This brought more body loathing, not directed at how my body looked but at what it could (and couldn’t) do. I felt unwomanly… unhuman. Pregnancy, then loss, then pregnancy again. Then, I had my first taste of what it’s like to feel everything for another human being. I was so worried I’d never meet her in real life, but I finally did.

As motherhood consumed me, I embraced intentional living and simplicity to avoid overwhelm. My past as both a burned out doctor and a patient shaped my choices as well, but this has been a continuous practice, one that I continually write about here. And now, I’m both speaking and coaching other professionals on these topics. It’s become a business, one that I hope to grow mindfully in the future as I shift my anesthesia work from that of an employee to a contractor and entrepreneur. I’m so grateful for the opportunity and space to do all of this!

Man… that is A LOT of change, both internal and external! I don’t know that the next decade will be that dramatic; a little less drama would be ok with me. But I still welcome the changes. It may be cliche to say, but it’s so true: change is the only constant in life. Change gets a bad rep. People resist it with all their might. But change is the only way we grow.

How can YOU reflect on this year, or the last 10 years? Gain some perspective by looking back at your journals, if you keep them. Ask family members and friends about their most prominent memories. Look back at your digital photos. I keep mine all on Google Photos, which not only shows you “rediscover this day” memories when you open the program, it sorts all the photos in your library by descending dates. It makes it so easy to look back to specific times in my life. It’s how I picked all the photos for this post.

What growth will 2021 bring for you?

What about 2030?