My Top 5 Ways To Say No

When’s the last time you said Yes to something that later you wish you’d said No to? Last week? Last month? Last year? In any case, approaching a scenario where you need to say No can invoke horrible feelings: guilt, worry, dread…

Saying Yes to one thing means saying No to another, and that’s the reality. We just don’t always consciously recognize the tradeoffs. Yet tradeoffs are an important part of practicing balance. I trade prestige and academic notoriety for a flexible, very part-time clinical schedule. I trade six pack abs for the enjoyment of certain foods. I trade late night TV time for more sleep. But it also works the opposite way: saying No to things that don’t align with your current values and goals leaves you open to more meaningful Yeses.

As a society made up of mostly Obligers, many of us (including me) have a hard time saying No. I happen to be a Four Tendencies Questioner, but I’m also an Enneagram 9, recovering people pleaser, and in general an avoider of conflict. So I too have trouble saying No at times. But I’ve learned some tactics to make it a little easier.

Here are my top 5 tasteful and all-around acceptable ways to say No that you may not have thought of:

Deferred No

This is honestly the No I use most often. I simply say, “I’m not sure, let me check with my [calendar] [husband] [etc] and get back to you.” Delaying a No helps to me strengthen both my reason and resolve. I like to journal or talk the thing over with my husband, a trusted friend or a coach. Sometimes I want to say Yes, but the time to think gets me back to reality and prevents me from getting in a position I might regret later.

Distant No

If you have trouble with conflict or you tend to cave when people bat their eyes at you while asking for things, this No is for you. I find it just much easier to say No to someone when you’re not looking right at them. This No can be delivered via email or text, and it might involve a deferral as above as well. It’s helpful for people (like me) who have trouble articulating their true wants or feelings on the fly and need a little composition time to give a response.

Soft No

Especially helpful when face to face with the requester, a Soft No is basically saying nothing. It’s not saying Yes, but it’s not exactly saying No. Instead, you do one of two things: you either make an awkward silence and let the asker say the next thing, or you make a comment that is not an answer and then shut up. It looks like, “That sounds like a unique opportunity… [silence]” Say something using less words. If the need arises to give an answer on the spot, use the deferral techniques above.

Switcheroo No

Particularly effective in work situations, there are a couple different flavors of the Switcheroo No. You can say, “Yes, I can make that a priority. What other role/project would you like me to eliminate/delegate?” This forces the asker to also consider the priorities of things you have on your plate.

Another way this works is by passing the ask to another person: “I’m unable to do that right now, but I’d highly suggest you check with ___ because that sounds like something they’d be really interested in.” They don’t have to know you suggested them, but if they find out, it’s ok because it’s both complimentary to them (you think they would do a good job at the task) and you’re not directly committing them to do anything. The response now falls on them.

Policy No

This method works really well for small, generally impersonal social asks. Examples include, “I have a policy of not volunteering for more than one advisory board,” or “I have a policy of not making donations over the telephone.” While this No might seem curt, it’s actually been found to be quite effective because it’s tough for people to argue with. Almost everyone has “policies” like this, whether they’re aware of them or not so they tend to respect the concept.

If you want to read more about the art of saying No, I highly recommend Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism. He has an entire chapter with descriptions and examples of 14 ways to say No.

As we roll through the holidays and the end of this year, I hope you find at least one of these useful to keep your season from getting overwhelming. Remember that it’s perfectly ok to say No. And it’s even ok to say No without an explanation.

What do you think? Do you have a hard time saying No? Have any of these No tactics worked for you before? Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below.